Of Ex-Husbands and Ex-Boyfriends (A Dedication)

In a previous post, I mentioned being really lucky to find love twice in my life. I did forget to mention though that both relationships lasted more than a decade each. So for my loyal detractors who think I don't have what it takes, here's to wishing you at least a SINGLE honest, long-term commitment in your miserable existence:p

To those who don't think you can be friends with your ""ex-"es, I'm living proof that it can happen. While I'm not IN LOVE with them anymore, I happen to love all my ex-boyfriends! I'd like to think that the affection is mutual because I can walk up to any of them wherever and get a big hug. No break-up is painless, but they can be amicable. There were never any scenes, only the minimum of tears and always a sweet goodbye kiss. NOTE TO DREW BARRYMORE: It's nicer than the first kiss.

From the neighborhood cutie in Kapitolyo who made me blush at 12, the Notre Dame grad who proposed marriage when I was 14 to the recent "shoulder to cry on" who made me feel great, I'm thankful to them and won't hesitate to show it.

I won't go into detail about one-night stands, but they're basically the same. Just goes to show that I mostly won't jump into bed on a whim or on an alcoholic haze. I'm big on solid friendships. If there's no physical connection, no harm done. Just go back to being friends. Why lose a buddy over bad sex? It makes no sense.

Finally, for those who think this was too much information...I'm gonna shut up now.

I spoke with ex-hubby on Christmas Eve and he was happy to hear from me. I cried my heart out when I told him I missed my father especially. He sympathized that the (2nd) love of my life didn't turn out to be what I expected.
We admitted being sorry about how things turned out. I'm glad that he's still here for me and we're still friends.
On the other hand, I'm livid with the b*tch who broke us up...NOT!

On Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

I've always had a healthy sense of humor.  No doubt, it kept my sanity intact while the kids were growing up and relationships ran through their course.  My only regret is that I can't laugh out loud (lol), LITERALLY.  We have a genetic predisposition to lock-jaw.  I have horror stories to prove it.  Now that's soooo not funny!

I've always envied those who bwahahahh at slapstick and heeheehee when tickled.  I just crinkle my nose when I find something funny.  If it's really hilarious, I turn up my lips a little.  (I had a repressed childhood).  To cover up potentially embarrassing situations, I've learned to give the punch line with a straight face.  I prefer sarcasm or irony to inject humor.  I don't do it to show off wit, I just can't open my mouth wide enough to laugh at corny, over-the top jokes...which I happen to love!

The events of the past few weeks however, has made me feel positively light-headed and giddy. A huge weight has been taken off my shoulders and I want to jump up and down with joy.  I'm on the verge of a laughfest but am afraid of the consequences, to my mouth in particular.

To sober up and keep my emotions reined in, I ask myself this question:  Is the laughter a result of a positive or negative experience?  Are these feelings the effect of a purging or a symptom of a deeper emotional affliction?  I suspect the worst because I've never this happy in my life, which is weird.  There have been way many more moments of profound gratitude.

Let this post's title speak for itself.

On Losing My Sight

I lost my glasses.  AGAIN! Although they were a horrendous pair bought on sale, they did their job.

I got a new prescription filled out after a check-up with my opthalmologist.  It turns out my astigmatism is worse so we had to adjust accordingly.  I went to my "suki" optician at Cartimar and picked out fashionably dorky shades (on sale, of course).  Instead of getting single vision reading glasses, I opted to get the double vision or "doble-vista."  What possessed me to order that, I don't know.

I lost my old glasses the day after I got my new pair.  So now, I'm blind again unless I read from the lower fifth of my lens.  Which means:  I have to stretch my neck up to play the piano or use the computer.  The pain!

On Winning The UK Lotto And Other Nonsense

I received and email today from johncarrick@charter.net informing me that I had just won 1 Million (89M in Philippine Pesos) in the UK Lotto. Here's the letter:

Dear Lucky Winner,


We are pleased to inform you of the result of the just concluded annual final draws of UNITED KINGDOM NATIONAL PROGRAM. After this automated computer ballot, your e-mail address emerged as one of five winners in the category \\"A\\" You are therefore been approve to claim the total sum of 1,000,000 (One Million Pounds Sterling) with the information below:

REF No: UK/9420X2/68/osy TICKET No: 56475600545188


Contact the processing Consultant:

Contact Person: Owen Brown

Email: ukl_2@tlen.pl



PAYMENT PROCESSING FORM.

(1)FULL NAME

(2)FULL ADDRESS.....(3)COUNTRY

(4)AGE...............(5)OCCUPATION

(6)TELEPHONE NUMBER......(7)SEX



Yours Sincerely

Cindy Moore

After my laughter died down, I Google searched "UK Lottery Scam" and sure enough, there they were! You can read about it at the UK National Lottery site here. These scams are so rampant that even vendors in the fledgling eBay Philippines are warned. Discussion boards are filled with Nigerian or 419 scams. The BBC News wrote a feature about those who fight back and are scamming the scammers. Philippine forums like PinoyExchange have a lot to say about this topic.

What's with Gmail anyway? I never used to get scam mail before. They used to go straight into my Spam Box. Now they're coming one on top of the other into my Inbox. Here's another business proposal from rosekone_07@yahoo.com.hk:

Dearest ,


Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your contact from the internet search where searching for a responsible and humble person who will assist me on this, prayed over it and selected your name among other names due I was dicrected by God to do so, I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business .



I am Rose Kone the only duaghter of late Mr. and Mrs. George Kone My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to dearth by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip . My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on January 2004 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of of ten million,five hundred thousand United State Dollars. USD (US$10.5 million) left in fixed / suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his only duaghter for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates.



That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose such as real estate management or hotel management . Sir, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:


(1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to .(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am only 22years.

(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country.



Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/ input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas. Furthermore, you indicate your options towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within fourteen (14) days you signify interest to assist me. Anticipating to hear from you soon.


Thanks and God bless.


Best regards,

Rose Kone.

If I used any other nick, I would probably reply just for kicks. But I don't want these scammers to think that Filipinos are gullible. So, there you are. Fair warning. Don't let me say, "I told you so!"

On The Funniest Thing Ever At eBay!(It's Not For Sale)

I was looking for a photo to accompany my previous article. First stop? eBay! My hunch paid off. There were quite a few. After selecting the clearest image, I decided to write to the seller and ask her permission to use it. (Yup, I do it). But first, I read the article description and payment/shipping details. I didn't need to but it was habit. What I read made my jaw drop! My giggles turned to guffaws in a few seconds. THIS is the reason you should read the fine print:

This is the Complete set of 25 hardcover books from "My First Steps to Reading" Series by Jane Belk Moncure. All books are illustrated by Linda Hohag. Grolier Press: The Child's World, 1991...

My First Steps to Reading titles:

1) My First Book

2) My "a" Book

3) My "b" Book

4) My "c" Book...

23) My "v" Book

24) My "w" Book

25) My "x,y,z" Book

I accept paypal and money orders ONLY.....NO CHECKS. Payment is Expected within 7 days.....Not when your uncle Joe's will is probated.....And please calculate that 7 days in human years...not dog years!

Due to the dishonesty and greed of phony ebay buyers, I can no longer ship to an unconfirmed address....this is for your protection as well as mine. Don't panic, but I ship UPS ground .... and USPS (More about USPS below). UPS includes Insurance and Tracking. My Daddy doesn't own UPS (Too Bad) so I have no control over the rates...However, I can give you a break since UPS charges LESS to ship to a BUSINESS or SCHOOL address. (Sorry, in U.S. only)

UPS does NOT CONSIDER IT A BUSINESS if it is CONDUCTED FROM YOUR HOME....What do they know? However, they will know if it is not a true business....and access an annoying $5.00 penalty which I would hate to pass on to you!

My psychic abilities don't work well out of state. I will get a massive brain implosion trying to connect with you to get your name and address, so if you want the business rate, please EMAIL ME with your zip and I will calculate shipping costs for you.

As previously mentioned I also ship USPS. (Nothing too heavy) However, I can only drag these weary old bones there once a week on a FRIDAY...so if you don't mind waiting a few days, I will be happy to accomodate you.

If you would like me to ship to you via USPS the first Friday after the auction ends, I MUST RECEIVE PAYMENT BY THURSDAY EVENING, Otherwise it will be the Friday of the following week.

I have tried running after the mail truck, following to it's destination to make sure that your package doesn't get lost or damaged. But quite frankly all that exercise is wearing me out. So, if you want protection please take insurance so I can stay home and get some rest.......

Please be aware that if you ship USPS without insurance I cannot be held responsible for loss or damage by the Post Office (No relatives there either).

PLEASE DON'T BID IF..........

You are being sent overseas on a top secret mission and won't be around to respond.....

The President called you to the White House for a consultation on the economy and foreign affairs......

Your computer is located just too far away to check emails more than once a month.

You just have fun pressing all those cute little buttons on your keyboard......

You love to window shop, but don't want to spend your money....

You just won the lottery, but you are only going to use the money to "Save the World"

I am sure there are other ways you can have your fun....like RIDING A CAMEL.... WRESTLING A GATOR..... or.... DODGING CARS ON THE INTERSTATE!

* *FINAL NOTE* * As hard as I try to achieve perfection, I have not reached that lofty state and occasionally do screw-up. If this happens please email me BEFORE leaving feedback so I can GROVEL, BEG YOUR FORGIVENESS, WHINE, CRY and offer to be your SLAVE FOR LIFE.....Possibly a refund as well, although shipping either way is not refundable.

Thanks for Looking. Good Luck, Laugh, it's good for you....and Remember "HE WHO LAUGHS LAST, THINKS SLOWEST"